I had a bit of a revelation today. It started yesterday. Well, technically I've been thinking about it and working on it for over two years, but yesterday I'd HAD IT! P's behavior was out of control and I knew it was my fault.
With A I had been a very diligent parent when she was younger, correcting everything immediately (without hovering) and using every incident, good or bad, as a teaching moment. I was diligent with P also, until he was almost two and I was VERY pregnant with the twins. Once they arrived...what was discipline? Who had time for it, let alone available hands, while breastfeeding twins, diapering twins, feeding twins, chasing after crawling twins... you get the picture. I let way too much slide his past two very impressionable years. We were in constant survival mode and it didn't allow much time for effective discipline. So two years post twins' birth, and I have a very untrained, disobedient, and willful four-year-old son.
Over the past couple of months I've learned quite a bit about my personality and his from Carol Tuttle, author of "The Child Whisperer" and founder of Energy Profiling found on her blog, thecarolblog.com. This has been a huge help in understanding my lack of desire to continually discipline (I'm a T1/4) and in understanding his lack of desire to follow any rules at all whatsoever while laughing and creating a diversion in a big way (he's a T1/3). However, even Carol proclaims the need for children to be disciplined, just understood in the process. A T1 loves everything to be "fun." You would think as a T1 mom that I wouldn't have any problem with that, but my T4 tendencies like to know when that fun can take place, and bed time is not it. The bed time routine can be fun, and I enjoy it, but once it's bed time, that's it...lights out on the fun. Carol suggests sending a T1 child to bed with a toy. We tried it, he LOVED it, but my T2 2 year old he shares a bedroom with did not. Either did I, since he just got wound up instead of worn out. Also, the bathroom is not a setting for fun, in my opinion, neither is the dinner table a setting for toys during mealtime, etc. We have rules for a reason and those rules aren't always fun, but there are plenty of other times and places for fun, and I'm learning to make more of those moments so that when a boring old rule comes into play, he feels okay about following it because he's already had oodles of fun.
While I know these things, I have still struggled with him. He does not have a heart for obedience. "What am I doing wrong?" "What should I be doing differently?" were questions I was asking myself. I don't think I am a bad parent. I am at home with all of my children considerably more than they are in the care of others, so I knew I couldn't blame a bad influence on someone else. I feed them healthful foods, give them plenty of time for rest, time for outdoor play, time for fun, time spent training in household chores. P even has a chore chart at the age of four.
But every day continues to be a struggle. Meal time and manners, kindness toward siblings, performing basic chores or tasks, bed time. All of these things are daily struggles and I have ended up resorting to hovering, threats, bribes, spankings. All of which are screaming to me that I am failing as a parent. I don't believe there is room for hovering, threatening, bribing, spanking in a successful family.
Yesterday was the fourth day in a row of complete disobedience in all things. I thought these kind of children only happened to bad parents, so maybe I'm a bad parent after all. But, I decided enough was enough and I pulled out the spanking spoon. I had tried time out, bribes/ rewards, trips to the park and the store to get away, an extra 'break/nap,' and I felt I had exhausted all the possibilities of helping him obey except spanking. So, after almost an entire day of spankings to correct this ongoing disobedience, I went to bed feeling like the worst parent EVER.
Today I was driven to the scriptures. I was frustrated, had just sent him to his room at 9:00 a.m. to lay down in his bed with threats of spankings if he was to get up, and with tears in my eyes, I realized I hadn't read my scriptures yet. I turned in prayer, asking for forgiveness for my shortcomings as a parent of His child, and for Him to show me a better way. He did.
I read several scriptures:
Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (I know, I know. I failed in this department...I will resolve to do better... but how? How do I train him up, what I'm doing isn't working...)
Proverbs 23:12-14 "Apply thine heart unto instruction, and thine ears to the words of knowledge. Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." (What!? The scriptures are encouraging the spanking!?..."Apply thine heart to instruction" if I did that part, it probably would never escalate to spanking..."Withhold no correction from the child"...if I consistently corrected EVERY time, it would never reach a spanking point, I'm sure)
Ephesians 6:4 "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord"
Col 3:21 "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they become discouraged."
(Two scriptures that counsel us not to "provoke" our children to anger...spanking makes my children angry...discouragement is Satan's tool...why would spanking discourage my kids? Do they feel like there is no redemption from their wrong?)
1 Timothy 3:2,4-5 "...vigilant, sober, of good behavior, given to hospitality, apt to teach:...One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity:(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)" (These scriptures are counsel for a bishop, but applies to any parent who also wants to further the Lord's church...we obviously need to model the attributes listed above to "rule well" our own house... but how do we bring our children to subjection with all gravity?)
1 John 4:12-13, 16, 18, 5:2,4:14-15 "...If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. Herby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit."v.16 "And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him." (I know I need more love in my heart. I know I need God with me in a way I don't right now. I know I need to be more diligent in my scripture study and prayer in the morning so that my thoughts and focus are pointed toward His will, not my own. I need His love in me before I start the day) v. 18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." (Again, spanking and threats create fear. There is no room for fear in love. Spanking might be appropriate at times, but not on a regular basis. This is being confirmed to me over and over again. It does not foster feelings of love in me or in him.) 1 John 5:2 "By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments." (By increasing my love for God and following His commandments more closely, it will show in the love I show my children...even through discipline and correction) v. 4 "For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world; and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith." (Yay! I have this promise! And I don't even want to over come the world...just this mountain of disobedience in front of me!) v. 14-15 "And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him." (I'm sure you can imagine the prayer I sent heavenward).
As I pondered my responsibilities as a parent, even though we are counseled that we use the rod (spanking), I don't believe that 'raising them up in the nurture of the Lord' means to use the rod on a regular basis for everything. "Train up a child," "having his children in subjection with all gravity," "apply thine heart unto instruction"...were all running through my head. When I realized that I needed to change MY heart by turning toward God, I also received a bit of revelation in the form of a thought. What if "the rod" was "the word of God" like in Lehi's dream and I needed to teach him the error of his ways, using "the word of God," or the commandments as we know it. What was spanking teaching him? That Mom hits when she's angry? That he makes Mom angry? That Mom is to be feared? I thought about it from his perspective...what if he thought he couldn't do anything because Mom might hit him? How scary would that be? I don't beat my child. One swat for an offense and a verbal warning are what I use when I use it. That's how I have justified it all this time. I was spanked as a kid. My parents counsel me to spank. But really, what is it teaching? Why not ask him some questions about his behavior to encourage understanding of why this behavior is wrong?
Get his attention with the words, "That is not a good choice." I hope to soon be asking the question, "Was that a good choice?" when he has grasped this concept a little better.
Help him think about his choice with the words, "Why is that not a good choice?" I've had to help him quite a bit, but it really has him thinking about it. I'll ask the question followed by other questions depending on the offensive behavior until he has grasped why what he did was not a good choice .
Help give him an idea for how to have good behavior next time with the question, "What would be a good choice?" or "What would be a better choice?"
Then guide him to an idea for restitution with the question, "What would help make this better right now?"
(i.e. He was kicking the back of his sisters seat in the car after repeatedly being asked not to. I said, "That is not a good choice." I deliver the entire sequence of statements and questions in a 'ground zero' voice with no anger, no annoyance, no negativity. I gave it a second to sink in, and he stopped immediately. I followed with the question, "Why is that not a good choice?" and I allowed another short pause for him to answer. When he didn't reply, but the behavior hadn't resumed, and I could tell he was thinking, I asked, "Would you like it if your sister was doing that to you? Why wouldn't you like it?" He responded with, "No." and "Because." Typical answers for a four year old, so I gave him several possibilities, "Would it bother you? Does it hurt a little bit? Do you get tired of it? Would you feel happy if she did that to you?" He remained engaged in the conversation, with replies, of "yes" and "no" at appropriate times, so I could tell he was thinking about it. I then followed with, "What would be a better choice?" Again, a pause to allow him to respond, then I gave him several ideas. "What if you just kicked your feet without kicking them far enough to hit the chair? Or what if you wanted her attention and you used your words? Or what if you clapped your hands to be busy?" I then ask the question, "What would help make this better right now?" The kicking had already stopped, so he apologized very nicely without much prompting from me since he had a better understanding of why his behavior was offensive. SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE than any other form of discipline I have used with this child.)
We had the opportunity to use this method innumerable times today, and every time I felt that his apology was sincere, like I had successfully taught him, and I didn't feel like I was forcing him to behave. He truly tried harder today to have good behavior and I think he and I both felt we were successes instead of failures at the end of the day.
I also had the opportunity to curb some undesirable behavior from A as well with this method with great success despite the eye rolling it invoked. The corrections were much more gentle and she was able to redeem herself from her behavior so that she didn't feel like a failure or like she was bad. She is often reduced to tears when she is corrected because she feels like when we correct her behavior we are always pointing out everything bad about her. She was easily able to see that it was the behavior that was being corrected, and she really did most of the correcting herself with very little prompting. I also felt that she exhibited less undesirable behavior throughout the day than she had in the days previous.
Words were much kinder in our home today, as I was able to set the tone with effective correction that didn't invoke discouragment, anger, raised voices, contention, or any of the other negative behaviors that keep the Spirit from our home and invite Satan in.
Such a wonderful answer to prayer.
